Bruno Goddamn Mars

Many of you will probably have noticed the recent popularity of Bruno Mars.  At the very least, you've heard one of the three songs of his that play on the radio every fifteen minutes.  Ok, I'll admit that when he released his first album, Doo-Wops & Hooligans, it dominated the charts and people were flipping out everywhere.  You might say his widespread popularity indicates that he is a good musician.  I say that it simply reinforces my theory:

EVERYONE IS AN IDIOT.

Bruno Mars is a total chump.  There are many facts to support this.   For starters, his real name is Peter Hernandez.  How he ever concocted "Bruno Mars" as a stage name will forever remain a mystery to me, but personally I would have stuck with Peter.  Here are a few more reasons why you shouldn't buy Pete's boring album:  

1. Grenade
2. Just the Way You Are
3. Our First Time
4. Runaway Baby
5. The Lazy Song
6. Marry You
7. Talking to the Moon
8. Liquor Store Blues
9. Count on Me
10. The Other Side

Some of my more astute readers may notice that I have just listed every song off Doo-Wops & Hooligans.  Now why might that be?  

The fact is, they blow.  The few that aren't boring or sappy are sappy, boring, and dumb as fuck.  Seriously, when half of the lyrics in a chorus are just the numbers 1-4 (Count on Me) it's hard to argue with me.  Not like you should anyway, because we've already established that I'm right and you're not.  

Long story short, I highly recommend this album as a coaster or makeshift cutting tool.  You can even eat it as a sandwich, I don't care.  Just don't listen to the damn thing.  

Sorry Bruno!

Dear Chumps:

Holy shit! Guess I forgot about this blog for about 4 years or so. Whoops. But don't worry, just because I'm a little lazy and I forgot about my adoring fans doesn't mean I gave up on my mission to force-feed you some decent music. Now that my life no longer has any real purpose, I can devote more time to cultivating a healthy alcohol dependence while I help idiots on the internet.

Coming soon: new articles you didn't even know you desperately needed. And possibly a drastic visual redesign. Prepare your brains.

Hair Metal

"Hello, boys!  I'm baaack!!"

-Randy Quaid, Independence Day

It's been a while since my last post.  My bad, I got distracted.  Hopefully you survived without my efforts to save you from you own terrible taste in music.  Anyway...

Hair Metal is the worst excuse for metal I have ever heard.  It's taking one of the manliest things ever and putting makeup on it and dressing it in leopard-print tights.  It's like making the stripes on the American Flag pink.  It's like taking a lumberjack and putting a long blonde wig and some eyeliner on him.  Instead of lyrics about smashing people's faces, hair metal gives us songs about smashing your own face into a mound of coke.  If you like that shit, you're a bitch.  

Also, hair metal was a big part of the 80s, and serves to remind people of the 80s to this very day.  The only good thing to come out of the 80s was good cartoons and ME, so fuck that decade.  

I also can't stand the cheesy music.  Granted, some of it took talent to write, but come on!  The Final Countdown??  People try to defend it by saying its epic.  EPIC?  Finnish Viking Metal band TURISAS is epic.  Unfortunately for Europe (the band that wrote The Final Countdown) badass band Norther came in and redid the song as it should have been, exposing Europe as the fuck-ups they are for not doing it first.  

Not surprisingly, I hate the style of the people who play the music just as much as the music itself, if not more.  You know what I'm talking about.  Another rule: If you are fucking lame, you have the potential to ruin your own music.  And you usually do.  

I'm sick of talking about this genre already.  It disgusts me.  If you listen to this garbage, knock it off.    

PAGANFEST 2008

This was quite possibly the best show I've been to.  Finnish 'Heroic Folk Metal' band Ensiferum was headlining, followed by another of my favorite bands, Turisas.  The first band we saw was Eluveitie from Switzerland, which I had never heard of.  To my surprise, they put on an awesome show, with bagpipes and flutes and this weird thing called a hurdy gurdy.  Apparently it's like a fiddle with a crank.  Fucking strange.  Their sound is sorta like a way more metal version of Flogging Molly, at least from what I've heard.  Turisas was absolutely insane live.  Before the band came onstage, speakers were blasting their epic introduction song off their Battle Metal album.  Then most of the band appeared and went straight into As Torches Rise.  The lead vocalist, "Warlord" Nygard, is probably the most badass person alive.  The entire band is covered in fur and war paint, and the Warlord had some armor on top of all the other viking shit.  Halfway through their set, the Warlord demanded a beer, then launched into One More, one of the coolest songs ever written by any band.  Ever.  Though their set was disappointingly short, it was ridiculously intense, and I loved every second of it.  After that, I was almost too exhausted to enjoy Ensiferum.  But Petri Lindroos and Marcus Toivonen tore it up on guitar.  About halfway through the set, the bassist and drummer went into a sort of jazz/blues interlude, which culminated in some fantastic bass playing.  At the end, Marcus tossed his pick into the crowd and my pal Mr. Biel caught it and gave it to me, for which I am extremely grateful.  

All in all, a great show.  The tour is still going on, so you guys need to go see it.

This is Very Important!

Listen to Kalmah.  Fuckin' do it.  They're an awesome Melodic Death band from Finland, which I guess applies to half the bands I listen to.  Their main strong points are really two really good guitarists and an equally good keyboard player.  Kalmah's style is fast yet still melodic and technical, and frequently kinda weird.  As in, they call themselves "Swamp Metal," and I can somehow feel that in a lot of their music.  You have to hear it to understand, so go out and make that happen.  

In addition, their new CD just came out, For the Revolution.  It's just as good as all their other shit and well worth the money I WOULD spend on it if I could find it in the US.  

Anyway, back to the actual music.  The vocals aren't too impressive, but the music wouldn't be nearly as good without them.  They're definitely acceptable considering Pekka Kokko sings them while busting out awesome guitar riffs at the same time.  And the lead guitarist is even better.  The keyboards serve mainly to accentuate the guitar, the awesomeness of which is proven by this equation:

Awesome guitar + Awesome keyboards = The Best Music Ever

Your music has neither.  Thus it blows.  Kalmah has both, all the time.  Fuckin' right.  

Brand New Also Sucks

Jesus fucking Christ.  Brand New blows.  Heres proof of how much they suck: 

Brand New

Genre:  Shit

There you go!  Thats all you need to know.  Brand New brings a brand new meaning to the phrase "this band really sucks."  I was stuck in a car listening to this bullshit, and people were singing along, and it was terrible.  Whiny bullshit lyrics combined with boring instrumentals equals a stupidass band that everyone loves.  Holy shit.  I'm having a hard time explaining why Brand New is so bad.  Just listen to them.  And if you like them, that's terrible.  Seriously, it's a goddamn shame if you think any aspect of this band is good.  One of their songs is called "Good to Know That if I Ever Need Attention All I Have to do is Die."  Holy shit.  That should win an award for shittiest song title ever.  What's the award?  A brick through their window.  Goddammit.  I have no tolerance for shitty whiny bands like this one.  I seriously can't stand it.  

I don't understand why

A: They want to play this horseshit

B:  Some label liked it

C:  People listen to it

D:  People aren't throwing shit at the band

E:  This music is acceptable

I hate music like this.  I've heard a million bands that sound exactly the same.  Why are there so goddamn many, and why do people keep buying all their music?  What the fuck!  The last thing I want to hear is some random douchebag whining while his friends slowly learn how to unplay the guitar.  For those of you who didn't catch that, it was a Metalocalypse reference.  Also, I hate you.  Anyway, Brand New is still out there making music, and what I want to know is...

WHO THE FUCK IS LETTING THIS HAPPEN?

Indie Sucks

And if you like it, you're an even bigger dipshit than I anticipated.  Indie is music made by people who don't kick enough ass to play metal.  Maybe they don't know it, but thats the truth.  If they kicked ass like they should, they wouldn't waste time playing this bullshit.  I'm sure some of you are saying, "But, everyone loves Indie!  How could it be bad?"  The reason for so many Indie fans is addressed in my first post: everyone is an idiot.  I can't fathom why people would love Indie so much.  It all sounds the same, just weird, random, stupidass music and some of the lamest vocals I've ever heard.  

The following is actual dialogue that occurs during the formation of an Indie Band:

Guitarist:  Hey, let's start a band!

Vocalist:  Ok, can you shred?

Guitarist:  Uh.....no

Vocalist:  Damn.  How can we play good music then?

Guitarist:  Well...I'll just play some random notes, and you half-sing, half-talk over it. 

Vocalist:  Sounds great!  

THE ONLY GOOD INDIE IS INDIANA JONES