Bruno Goddamn Mars

Many of you will probably have noticed the recent popularity of Bruno Mars.  At the very least, you've heard one of the three songs of his that play on the radio every fifteen minutes.  Ok, I'll admit that when he released his first album, Doo-Wops & Hooligans, it dominated the charts and people were flipping out everywhere.  You might say his widespread popularity indicates that he is a good musician.  I say that it simply reinforces my theory:

EVERYONE IS AN IDIOT.

Bruno Mars is a total chump.  There are many facts to support this.   For starters, his real name is Peter Hernandez.  How he ever concocted "Bruno Mars" as a stage name will forever remain a mystery to me, but personally I would have stuck with Peter.  Here are a few more reasons why you shouldn't buy Pete's boring album:  

1. Grenade
2. Just the Way You Are
3. Our First Time
4. Runaway Baby
5. The Lazy Song
6. Marry You
7. Talking to the Moon
8. Liquor Store Blues
9. Count on Me
10. The Other Side

Some of my more astute readers may notice that I have just listed every song off Doo-Wops & Hooligans.  Now why might that be?  

The fact is, they blow.  The few that aren't boring or sappy are sappy, boring, and dumb as fuck.  Seriously, when half of the lyrics in a chorus are just the numbers 1-4 (Count on Me) it's hard to argue with me.  Not like you should anyway, because we've already established that I'm right and you're not.  

Long story short, I highly recommend this album as a coaster or makeshift cutting tool.  You can even eat it as a sandwich, I don't care.  Just don't listen to the damn thing.  

Sorry Bruno!