Indie Sucks

And if you like it, you're an even bigger dipshit than I anticipated.  Indie is music made by people who don't kick enough ass to play metal.  Maybe they don't know it, but thats the truth.  If they kicked ass like they should, they wouldn't waste time playing this bullshit.  I'm sure some of you are saying, "But, everyone loves Indie!  How could it be bad?"  The reason for so many Indie fans is addressed in my first post: everyone is an idiot.  I can't fathom why people would love Indie so much.  It all sounds the same, just weird, random, stupidass music and some of the lamest vocals I've ever heard.  

The following is actual dialogue that occurs during the formation of an Indie Band:

Guitarist:  Hey, let's start a band!

Vocalist:  Ok, can you shred?

Guitarist:  Uh.....no

Vocalist:  Damn.  How can we play good music then?

Guitarist:  Well...I'll just play some random notes, and you half-sing, half-talk over it. 

Vocalist:  Sounds great!  

THE ONLY GOOD INDIE IS INDIANA JONES

The First Criticism

Who's the victim today?  You guessed it, it's those bastards in Throwdown.  Their shittiness is on my mind right now because i narrowly avoided seeing them live on Monday.  I am so angered by their appearance at a beloved venue that I will proceed to bash them.  But since I'm such a fair guy, I listened to some of their songs before I decided to write this blog.  

Here's some examples of how lame this band is:

THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS ACTUAL THROWDOWN LYRICS.  I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP ON MY OWN.

-They named an album "You Don't Have to be Blood to be Family."  Nothing like being a hardcore band that promotes unity and family and other stupid shit.  That's so hardcore!

-A song off said album is called "No More Hate."  This kind of music isn't about not hating people.  It's not about being friends.  It isn't about being nice.  If the standard activity at shows is kicking the shit out of each other in a moshpit, you are not allowed to write music about loving your neighbor.  Here's an excerpt:

You have no right 

To judge what's right

To judge at all

Way to go, Throwdown!  You've managed to convey a lame message AND write shitty lyrics!  According to this stupid song, I have no right to judge you.  Well, I'd say your preachiness and pathetic attempts at music are enough to justify this blog.  Shut up.  

They're also straightedge.  I honestly have no problem with this.  I respect straightedge people, it's a choice you make and there's nothing wrong with that.  But when you throw that information out again and again in your music, it pisses me off.  Their song "The Edge is Strong" makes it sound like there's a fucking war going on between the straightedge people and those godless bastards who aren't.  They make it sound as if they're in constant danger of being forced to give up their beliefs.  You're straightedge, ok, we get it.  No need to get all pissed off and write a million songs about it.  

The edge is strong

WE WILL NOT COMPROMISE

I could, I would, never lie to my roots.  Never.

STRAIGHT EDGE - I will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - we will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - Together

STRAIGHT EDGE - Forever

STRAIGHT EDGE - United

STRAIGHT EDGE - Represent

Yeah!!  Represent!  Never lie to your roots, Throwdown!  But you should include another line about being straightedge.  I don't quite think I get it yet.  

But wait, there's more!  Throwdown isn't content to just suck lyrically.  They decided to go all the way into total and complete musical ruination.  The drummer, whoever he is, is incapable of playing more than the simplest, most repetitive beats.  The guitars are boring and just as repetitive as the drums.  There better be only one guitarist, because if it takes two people to play a riff that shitty, I'll be even angrier than I am now.  There isn't a single guitar part out of any of Throwdown's collected works that could be fit for even RHYTHM guitar in a band such as Ensiferum.  

Fans of Throwdown, these are real musicians:

-Jason "Jmann" Popson, formerly of Mushroomhead.  Twice the badass vocalist your lame dude will ever be.

-Dirk Verbeuren of Soilwork.  An extremely fast drummer when he wants to be, but is also known for playing interesting and complex beats.

-Roope Latvala of Children of Bodom.  Roope is one talented guy.  When the rhythm guitarist of a band is infinitely better than your lead, get a new guitarist.  

-Sami Hinkka of Ensiferum.  I didn't even hear Throwdown's bass, but Sami is good enough to shred.  And he sings clean vocals at the same time.  What a boss.

Here's what it comes down to.  Metal's message: "Destroy your enemies!"  Throwdowns?  "Unite against people who drink!  Praise God!"  Which is more badass?  

 

A Favorite

I'm going to give you a treat.  

I'm going to talk about a fantastic band, so that you can get a good idea early on of what good music is.  

This band is none other than Soilwork, a melodic death metal band from Sweden.  Melodic death is by far the best subgenre out there, as it can have anything from melodic lead guitar and solos, ambient backing keyboards, and melodic vocals.  Occasionally a band will have all three.  Soilwork is one such band.  Amazing harsh vocals and even better clean choruses, heavy rhythm guitar supplemented by incredibly melodic solos and impressive drums all combine to make a band better than 98% of whatever shit you listen to.  Show me some lame Indie vocalist, and I'll show you vocalist Bjorn Strid, who can break him in half.  Remember, the ability of one band to kick another's ass is part of what makes them so awesome.  The lameness of non-metal music is reflected by the people who play it.   

The Intro

I love metal.  Metal is the best music ever created.  

 Like metal?  No?  Then you're an idiot, and your only hope is to pay close attention to this blog.  I'll give you salvation in the form of amazing bands, and with luck you will come to accept their greatness.  Your music sucks, and you need to realize how generic and shitty it all is.  

Even if you do like metal, there's still a chance you're a moron.  All these well-known bands like Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, etc. are bringing a bad name to the genre.  I'm not saying bands are lame because they're popular.  The popularity of these bands simply means that there are a lot more dumbasses out there than there are people with good taste.  Liking metal isn't good enough.  You have to like metal that isn't boring, stupid or annoying.  

I'm tolerant enough that I probably won't dislike you for listening to something other than metal.  There are two exceptions to this rule.  If you like emo or hardcore, I hate you.  There it is, simple as that.  I hate your style, you look ridiculous.  I hate your music, it's all the same and it's goddamn annoying.  Quit bitching, take out your stupid piercings, get a real goddamn haircut.  Christ.