The First Criticism

Who's the victim today?  You guessed it, it's those bastards in Throwdown.  Their shittiness is on my mind right now because i narrowly avoided seeing them live on Monday.  I am so angered by their appearance at a beloved venue that I will proceed to bash them.  But since I'm such a fair guy, I listened to some of their songs before I decided to write this blog.  

Here's some examples of how lame this band is:

THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS ACTUAL THROWDOWN LYRICS.  I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP ON MY OWN.

-They named an album "You Don't Have to be Blood to be Family."  Nothing like being a hardcore band that promotes unity and family and other stupid shit.  That's so hardcore!

-A song off said album is called "No More Hate."  This kind of music isn't about not hating people.  It's not about being friends.  It isn't about being nice.  If the standard activity at shows is kicking the shit out of each other in a moshpit, you are not allowed to write music about loving your neighbor.  Here's an excerpt:

You have no right 

To judge what's right

To judge at all

Way to go, Throwdown!  You've managed to convey a lame message AND write shitty lyrics!  According to this stupid song, I have no right to judge you.  Well, I'd say your preachiness and pathetic attempts at music are enough to justify this blog.  Shut up.  

They're also straightedge.  I honestly have no problem with this.  I respect straightedge people, it's a choice you make and there's nothing wrong with that.  But when you throw that information out again and again in your music, it pisses me off.  Their song "The Edge is Strong" makes it sound like there's a fucking war going on between the straightedge people and those godless bastards who aren't.  They make it sound as if they're in constant danger of being forced to give up their beliefs.  You're straightedge, ok, we get it.  No need to get all pissed off and write a million songs about it.  

The edge is strong

WE WILL NOT COMPROMISE

I could, I would, never lie to my roots.  Never.

STRAIGHT EDGE - I will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - we will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - Together

STRAIGHT EDGE - Forever

STRAIGHT EDGE - United

STRAIGHT EDGE - Represent

Yeah!!  Represent!  Never lie to your roots, Throwdown!  But you should include another line about being straightedge.  I don't quite think I get it yet.  

But wait, there's more!  Throwdown isn't content to just suck lyrically.  They decided to go all the way into total and complete musical ruination.  The drummer, whoever he is, is incapable of playing more than the simplest, most repetitive beats.  The guitars are boring and just as repetitive as the drums.  There better be only one guitarist, because if it takes two people to play a riff that shitty, I'll be even angrier than I am now.  There isn't a single guitar part out of any of Throwdown's collected works that could be fit for even RHYTHM guitar in a band such as Ensiferum.  

Fans of Throwdown, these are real musicians:

-Jason "Jmann" Popson, formerly of Mushroomhead.  Twice the badass vocalist your lame dude will ever be.

-Dirk Verbeuren of Soilwork.  An extremely fast drummer when he wants to be, but is also known for playing interesting and complex beats.

-Roope Latvala of Children of Bodom.  Roope is one talented guy.  When the rhythm guitarist of a band is infinitely better than your lead, get a new guitarist.  

-Sami Hinkka of Ensiferum.  I didn't even hear Throwdown's bass, but Sami is good enough to shred.  And he sings clean vocals at the same time.  What a boss.

Here's what it comes down to.  Metal's message: "Destroy your enemies!"  Throwdowns?  "Unite against people who drink!  Praise God!"  Which is more badass?