Hair Metal

"Hello, boys!  I'm baaack!!"

-Randy Quaid, Independence Day

It's been a while since my last post.  My bad, I got distracted.  Hopefully you survived without my efforts to save you from you own terrible taste in music.  Anyway...

Hair Metal is the worst excuse for metal I have ever heard.  It's taking one of the manliest things ever and putting makeup on it and dressing it in leopard-print tights.  It's like making the stripes on the American Flag pink.  It's like taking a lumberjack and putting a long blonde wig and some eyeliner on him.  Instead of lyrics about smashing people's faces, hair metal gives us songs about smashing your own face into a mound of coke.  If you like that shit, you're a bitch.  

Also, hair metal was a big part of the 80s, and serves to remind people of the 80s to this very day.  The only good thing to come out of the 80s was good cartoons and ME, so fuck that decade.  

I also can't stand the cheesy music.  Granted, some of it took talent to write, but come on!  The Final Countdown??  People try to defend it by saying its epic.  EPIC?  Finnish Viking Metal band TURISAS is epic.  Unfortunately for Europe (the band that wrote The Final Countdown) badass band Norther came in and redid the song as it should have been, exposing Europe as the fuck-ups they are for not doing it first.  

Not surprisingly, I hate the style of the people who play the music just as much as the music itself, if not more.  You know what I'm talking about.  Another rule: If you are fucking lame, you have the potential to ruin your own music.  And you usually do.  

I'm sick of talking about this genre already.  It disgusts me.  If you listen to this garbage, knock it off.    

PAGANFEST 2008

This was quite possibly the best show I've been to.  Finnish 'Heroic Folk Metal' band Ensiferum was headlining, followed by another of my favorite bands, Turisas.  The first band we saw was Eluveitie from Switzerland, which I had never heard of.  To my surprise, they put on an awesome show, with bagpipes and flutes and this weird thing called a hurdy gurdy.  Apparently it's like a fiddle with a crank.  Fucking strange.  Their sound is sorta like a way more metal version of Flogging Molly, at least from what I've heard.  Turisas was absolutely insane live.  Before the band came onstage, speakers were blasting their epic introduction song off their Battle Metal album.  Then most of the band appeared and went straight into As Torches Rise.  The lead vocalist, "Warlord" Nygard, is probably the most badass person alive.  The entire band is covered in fur and war paint, and the Warlord had some armor on top of all the other viking shit.  Halfway through their set, the Warlord demanded a beer, then launched into One More, one of the coolest songs ever written by any band.  Ever.  Though their set was disappointingly short, it was ridiculously intense, and I loved every second of it.  After that, I was almost too exhausted to enjoy Ensiferum.  But Petri Lindroos and Marcus Toivonen tore it up on guitar.  About halfway through the set, the bassist and drummer went into a sort of jazz/blues interlude, which culminated in some fantastic bass playing.  At the end, Marcus tossed his pick into the crowd and my pal Mr. Biel caught it and gave it to me, for which I am extremely grateful.  

All in all, a great show.  The tour is still going on, so you guys need to go see it.

This is Very Important!

Listen to Kalmah.  Fuckin' do it.  They're an awesome Melodic Death band from Finland, which I guess applies to half the bands I listen to.  Their main strong points are really two really good guitarists and an equally good keyboard player.  Kalmah's style is fast yet still melodic and technical, and frequently kinda weird.  As in, they call themselves "Swamp Metal," and I can somehow feel that in a lot of their music.  You have to hear it to understand, so go out and make that happen.  

In addition, their new CD just came out, For the Revolution.  It's just as good as all their other shit and well worth the money I WOULD spend on it if I could find it in the US.  

Anyway, back to the actual music.  The vocals aren't too impressive, but the music wouldn't be nearly as good without them.  They're definitely acceptable considering Pekka Kokko sings them while busting out awesome guitar riffs at the same time.  And the lead guitarist is even better.  The keyboards serve mainly to accentuate the guitar, the awesomeness of which is proven by this equation:

Awesome guitar + Awesome keyboards = The Best Music Ever

Your music has neither.  Thus it blows.  Kalmah has both, all the time.  Fuckin' right.  

Brand New Also Sucks

Jesus fucking Christ.  Brand New blows.  Heres proof of how much they suck: 

Brand New

Genre:  Shit

There you go!  Thats all you need to know.  Brand New brings a brand new meaning to the phrase "this band really sucks."  I was stuck in a car listening to this bullshit, and people were singing along, and it was terrible.  Whiny bullshit lyrics combined with boring instrumentals equals a stupidass band that everyone loves.  Holy shit.  I'm having a hard time explaining why Brand New is so bad.  Just listen to them.  And if you like them, that's terrible.  Seriously, it's a goddamn shame if you think any aspect of this band is good.  One of their songs is called "Good to Know That if I Ever Need Attention All I Have to do is Die."  Holy shit.  That should win an award for shittiest song title ever.  What's the award?  A brick through their window.  Goddammit.  I have no tolerance for shitty whiny bands like this one.  I seriously can't stand it.  

I don't understand why

A: They want to play this horseshit

B:  Some label liked it

C:  People listen to it

D:  People aren't throwing shit at the band

E:  This music is acceptable

I hate music like this.  I've heard a million bands that sound exactly the same.  Why are there so goddamn many, and why do people keep buying all their music?  What the fuck!  The last thing I want to hear is some random douchebag whining while his friends slowly learn how to unplay the guitar.  For those of you who didn't catch that, it was a Metalocalypse reference.  Also, I hate you.  Anyway, Brand New is still out there making music, and what I want to know is...

WHO THE FUCK IS LETTING THIS HAPPEN?

Indie Sucks

And if you like it, you're an even bigger dipshit than I anticipated.  Indie is music made by people who don't kick enough ass to play metal.  Maybe they don't know it, but thats the truth.  If they kicked ass like they should, they wouldn't waste time playing this bullshit.  I'm sure some of you are saying, "But, everyone loves Indie!  How could it be bad?"  The reason for so many Indie fans is addressed in my first post: everyone is an idiot.  I can't fathom why people would love Indie so much.  It all sounds the same, just weird, random, stupidass music and some of the lamest vocals I've ever heard.  

The following is actual dialogue that occurs during the formation of an Indie Band:

Guitarist:  Hey, let's start a band!

Vocalist:  Ok, can you shred?

Guitarist:  Uh.....no

Vocalist:  Damn.  How can we play good music then?

Guitarist:  Well...I'll just play some random notes, and you half-sing, half-talk over it. 

Vocalist:  Sounds great!  

THE ONLY GOOD INDIE IS INDIANA JONES

A Good Starting Point

Peter Wichers is the founder and original guitarist of Soilwork, which I previously mentioned.  He left a while back after they did 250 shows in a year.  Anyway, he's pretty much a genius.  His new side project with label Nuclear Blast is called 'Nuclear Blast All-Stars: Out of the Dark.'  Wichers wrote everything, produced everything, and played all the guitars.  He also got Soilwork's Dirk Verbeuren and ex-Soilwork Henry Ranta to play drums.  The really awesome part is that each of the 11 tracks on his album feature a different vocalist.  Some of the more noteworthy ones are Anders Friden of In Flames, Jari Maenpaa of Wintersun, and Bjorn Strid of Soilwork.  The fact that every song has a different vocalist makes the album very diverse, as each song plays off the vocalist's strengths, and Wichers' creativity keeps all the music from sounding the same.  Definitely worth checking out, and if you like a particular song you can look up the vocalist and start listening to that band.  This is a good album to pick up if you're looking for a bunch of new bands at once.  You can pick the sound you like and proceed from there.  But you should like it all, or you suck.  

The First Criticism

Who's the victim today?  You guessed it, it's those bastards in Throwdown.  Their shittiness is on my mind right now because i narrowly avoided seeing them live on Monday.  I am so angered by their appearance at a beloved venue that I will proceed to bash them.  But since I'm such a fair guy, I listened to some of their songs before I decided to write this blog.  

Here's some examples of how lame this band is:

THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS ACTUAL THROWDOWN LYRICS.  I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP ON MY OWN.

-They named an album "You Don't Have to be Blood to be Family."  Nothing like being a hardcore band that promotes unity and family and other stupid shit.  That's so hardcore!

-A song off said album is called "No More Hate."  This kind of music isn't about not hating people.  It's not about being friends.  It isn't about being nice.  If the standard activity at shows is kicking the shit out of each other in a moshpit, you are not allowed to write music about loving your neighbor.  Here's an excerpt:

You have no right 

To judge what's right

To judge at all

Way to go, Throwdown!  You've managed to convey a lame message AND write shitty lyrics!  According to this stupid song, I have no right to judge you.  Well, I'd say your preachiness and pathetic attempts at music are enough to justify this blog.  Shut up.  

They're also straightedge.  I honestly have no problem with this.  I respect straightedge people, it's a choice you make and there's nothing wrong with that.  But when you throw that information out again and again in your music, it pisses me off.  Their song "The Edge is Strong" makes it sound like there's a fucking war going on between the straightedge people and those godless bastards who aren't.  They make it sound as if they're in constant danger of being forced to give up their beliefs.  You're straightedge, ok, we get it.  No need to get all pissed off and write a million songs about it.  

The edge is strong

WE WILL NOT COMPROMISE

I could, I would, never lie to my roots.  Never.

STRAIGHT EDGE - I will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - we will not compromise

STRAIGHT EDGE - Together

STRAIGHT EDGE - Forever

STRAIGHT EDGE - United

STRAIGHT EDGE - Represent

Yeah!!  Represent!  Never lie to your roots, Throwdown!  But you should include another line about being straightedge.  I don't quite think I get it yet.  

But wait, there's more!  Throwdown isn't content to just suck lyrically.  They decided to go all the way into total and complete musical ruination.  The drummer, whoever he is, is incapable of playing more than the simplest, most repetitive beats.  The guitars are boring and just as repetitive as the drums.  There better be only one guitarist, because if it takes two people to play a riff that shitty, I'll be even angrier than I am now.  There isn't a single guitar part out of any of Throwdown's collected works that could be fit for even RHYTHM guitar in a band such as Ensiferum.  

Fans of Throwdown, these are real musicians:

-Jason "Jmann" Popson, formerly of Mushroomhead.  Twice the badass vocalist your lame dude will ever be.

-Dirk Verbeuren of Soilwork.  An extremely fast drummer when he wants to be, but is also known for playing interesting and complex beats.

-Roope Latvala of Children of Bodom.  Roope is one talented guy.  When the rhythm guitarist of a band is infinitely better than your lead, get a new guitarist.  

-Sami Hinkka of Ensiferum.  I didn't even hear Throwdown's bass, but Sami is good enough to shred.  And he sings clean vocals at the same time.  What a boss.

Here's what it comes down to.  Metal's message: "Destroy your enemies!"  Throwdowns?  "Unite against people who drink!  Praise God!"  Which is more badass?  

 

A Favorite

I'm going to give you a treat.  

I'm going to talk about a fantastic band, so that you can get a good idea early on of what good music is.  

This band is none other than Soilwork, a melodic death metal band from Sweden.  Melodic death is by far the best subgenre out there, as it can have anything from melodic lead guitar and solos, ambient backing keyboards, and melodic vocals.  Occasionally a band will have all three.  Soilwork is one such band.  Amazing harsh vocals and even better clean choruses, heavy rhythm guitar supplemented by incredibly melodic solos and impressive drums all combine to make a band better than 98% of whatever shit you listen to.  Show me some lame Indie vocalist, and I'll show you vocalist Bjorn Strid, who can break him in half.  Remember, the ability of one band to kick another's ass is part of what makes them so awesome.  The lameness of non-metal music is reflected by the people who play it.   

The Intro

I love metal.  Metal is the best music ever created.  

 Like metal?  No?  Then you're an idiot, and your only hope is to pay close attention to this blog.  I'll give you salvation in the form of amazing bands, and with luck you will come to accept their greatness.  Your music sucks, and you need to realize how generic and shitty it all is.  

Even if you do like metal, there's still a chance you're a moron.  All these well-known bands like Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, etc. are bringing a bad name to the genre.  I'm not saying bands are lame because they're popular.  The popularity of these bands simply means that there are a lot more dumbasses out there than there are people with good taste.  Liking metal isn't good enough.  You have to like metal that isn't boring, stupid or annoying.  

I'm tolerant enough that I probably won't dislike you for listening to something other than metal.  There are two exceptions to this rule.  If you like emo or hardcore, I hate you.  There it is, simple as that.  I hate your style, you look ridiculous.  I hate your music, it's all the same and it's goddamn annoying.  Quit bitching, take out your stupid piercings, get a real goddamn haircut.  Christ.